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Who's
On First
By Abbott
and Costello
| Abbott: |
Well Costello, I'm going to New
York with you. The Yankee's manager
gave me a job as coach for as long as your on the team. |
| Costello: |
Look Abbott, if your the coach, you must know all the
players. |
| Abbott: |
Oh
sure. |
| Costello: |
So you go ahead and tell me some of their names. |
| Abbott: |
Well,
I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give
ballplayers peculiar names. |
| Costello: |
You mean funny names. |
| Abbott: |
Nicknames,
pet names, like Dizzy Dean - |
| Costello: |
His brother Daffy - |
| Abbott: |
Daffy
Dean - |
| Costello: |
And their cousin! |
| Abbott: |
Who's
that? |
| Costello: |
Goofy! |
| Abbott: |
Goofy,
huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags - we have Who's on first, What's
on second, I Don't Know's on third. |
| Costello: |
That's what I wanna find out. |
| Abbott: |
I
say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third - |
| Costello: |
You know the fellows' names? |
| Abbott: |
Certainly! |
| Costello: |
Well then who's on first? |
| Abbott: |
Yes! |
| Costello: |
I mean the fellow's name! |
| Abbott: |
Who! |
| Costello: |
The guy on first! |
| Abbott: |
Who! |
| Costello: |
The first baseman! |
| Abbott: |
Who! |
| Costello: |
The guy playing first! |
| Abbott: |
Who
is on first! |
| Costello: |
Now whaddya askin' me for? |
| Abbott: |
I'm
telling you Who is on first. |
| Costello: |
Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first! |
| Abbott: |
That's
the man's name. |
| Costello: |
That's who's name? |
| Abbott: |
Yes. |
| Costello: |
Well go ahead and tell me. |
| Abbott: |
Who. |
| Costello: |
The guy on first. |
| Abbott: |
Who! |
| Costello: |
The first baseman. |
| Abbott: |
Who
is on first! |
| Costello: |
Have you got a contract with the first baseman? |
| Abbott: |
Absolutely. |
| Costello: |
Who signs the contract? |
| Abbott: |
Well,
naturally! |
| Costello: |
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets
the money? |
| Abbott: |
Every
dollar. Why not? The man's entitled to it. |
| Costello: |
Who is? |
| Abbott: |
Yes.
Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. |
| Costello: |
Who's wife? |
| Abbott: |
Yes. |
| Costello: |
All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on
first base. |
| Abbott: |
Oh,
no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base. |
| Costello: |
I'm not askin' you who's on second. |
| Abbott: |
Who
is on first. |
| Costello: |
I don't know. |
| Abbott: |
He's
on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him. |
| Costello: |
Now, how did I get on third base? |
| Abbott: |
You
mentioned his name! |
| Costello: |
If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is
playing third? |
| Abbott: |
No
- Who's playing first. |
| Costello: |
Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on
third. |
| Abbott: |
No
- What's on second. |
| Costello: |
I'm not askin' you who's on second. |
| Abbott: |
Who's
on first. |
| Costello: |
I don't know. |
| Abbott: |
He's
on third. |
| Costello: |
Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go
off it? |
| Abbott: |
What
was it you wanted? |
| Costello: |
Now who's playin' third base? |
| Abbott: |
Now
why do you insist on putting Who on third base? |
| Costello: |
Why? Who am I putting over there? |
| Abbott: |
Yes.
But we don't want him there. |
| Costello: |
What's the guy's name on third base? |
| Abbott: |
What
belongs on second. |
| Costello: |
I'm not askin' you who's on second. |
| Abbott: |
Who's
on first. |
| Costello: |
I don't know. |
| Abbott
& Costello: |
THIRD
BASE! |
| Costello: |
You got an outfield? |
| Abbott: |
Oh
yes! |
| Costello: |
The left fielder's name? |
| Abbott: |
Why. |
| Costello: |
I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you. |
| Abbott: |
Well,
I just thought I'd tell you. |
| Costello: |
Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field. |
| Abbott: |
Who
is playing fir- |
| Costello: |
STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left
fielder's name. |
| Abbott: |
What's
on second. |
| Costello: |
I'm not askin' you who's on second. |
| Abbott: |
Who's
on first. |
| Costello: |
I don't know. |
| Abbott
& Costello: |
THIRD
BASE! |
| Costello: |
The left fielder's name? |
| Abbott: |
Why. |
| Costello: |
Because! |
| Abbott: |
Oh,
he's center field. |
| Costello: |
Look, you gotta pitcher on this team? |
| Abbott: |
Now
wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher. |
| Costello: |
The pitcher's name. |
| Abbott: |
Tomorrow. |
| Costello: |
You don't wanna tell me today? |
| Abbott: |
I'm
tellin' you now. |
| Costello: |
Then go ahead. |
| Abbott: |
Tomorrow. |
| Costello: |
What time? |
| Abbott: |
What
time what? |
| Costello: |
What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's
pitching? |
| Abbott: |
Now
listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir- |
| Costello: |
I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first. I wanna
know what's the pitcher's name. |
| Abbott: |
What's
on second. |
| Costello: |
I don't know. |
| Abbott
& Costello: |
THIRD
BASE! |
| Costello: |
You got a catcher? |
| Abbott: |
Oh,
absolutely. |
| Costello: |
The catcher's name. |
| Abbott: |
Today. |
| Costello: |
Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. |
| Abbott: |
Now
you've got it. |
| Costello: |
All we've got is a couple of days on the team. |
| Abbott: |
Well,
I can't help that. |
| Costello: |
Well, I'm a catcher too. |
| Abbott: |
I
know that. |
| Costello: |
Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my
team and their heavy hitter gets up. |
| Abbott: |
Yes. |
| Costello: |
Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When
he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at
first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? |
| Abbott: |
Now
that's the first thing you've said right. |
| Costello: |
I don't even know what I'm talkin' about! |
| Abbott: |
Well,
that's all you have to do. |
| Costello: |
Is to throw the ball to first base. |
| Abbott: |
Yes. |
| Costello: |
Now who's got it? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally! |
| Costello: |
If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch
it. Now who caught it? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally! |
| Costello: |
Who caught it? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally. |
| Costello: |
Who? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally! |
| Costello: |
Naturally. |
| Abbott: |
Yes. |
| Costello: |
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. |
| Abbott: |
NO,
NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it? |
| Costello: |
Naturally. |
| Abbott: |
That's
right. There we go. |
| Costello: |
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. |
| Abbott: |
You
don't! |
| Costello: |
I throw it to who? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally. |
| Costello: |
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! |
| Abbott: |
You're
not saying it that way. |
| Costello: |
I said I throw the ball to Naturally. |
| Abbott: |
You
don't - you throw the ball to Who? |
| Costello: |
Naturally! |
| Abbott: |
Well,
say that! |
| Costello: |
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the ball to who? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally. |
| Costello: |
Ask me. |
| Abbott: |
You
throw the ball to Who? |
| Costello: |
Naturally. |
| Abbott: |
That's
it. |
| Costello: |
SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets
it? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally! |
| Costello: |
Who has it? |
| Abbott: |
Naturally! |
| Costello: |
HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base.
Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up
the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't
Know throws it back to Tomorrow - triple play. |
| Abbott: |
Yes. |
| Costello: |
Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to Because.
Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn! |
| Abbott: |
What
was that? |
| Costello: |
I said I don't give a darn! |
| Abbott: |
Oh,
that's our shortstop |
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